Still and always

ulili
I’m 40 today. 40. That seems to be such a … mature … number. I get all these visions of an adult, responsible and with-it. A woman who’s got all her ducks in a row and knows what the hell’s going on and where she’s going and what’s for dinner for the next two weeks because – you know – she’s organized and all that jazz. I’m not quite that type of 40-year-old. I’m more the type of 40-yo who’s trying to figure it all out. The few things that I do know – the limited knowledge that I do possess … well, that all could probably be written on the palm of one hand.

Someone used to say to me, “still and always” … it felt like words to lean on – to lean into. Certainty. AHHH … but 40 years has taught me well … nothing is completely reliable for “still and always.” But, for right now, as this day dawns and I begin my 41st year of figuring it all out, this is what I know …

STILL …

  • think that mornings are a sham and that no person in their right mind should enjoy waking up while its still dark outside
  • hope that I’ll figure out what I can do in this life that is meaningful to me, my family and my community
  • want to go to Ireland, sit in pubs, drink Guinness, go for meandering walks and keep my eyes out for all the mystical, magical amazingness that can find me while I visit that land
  • hope to master the making of homemade pasta. and cream puffs.
  • need to go to the doctor to see just how fucked up my arthritic ankles are
  • have piles and boxes of books in my parent’s house that need to be removed as I am reminded on a bi-weekly basis
  • am working on my first novel – there’s shape and intent and a light at the end of the tunnel
  • thinking that adding an alpaca and a pygmy goat to my sister’s farm is a BRILLIANT idea … and one that is only getting more resolved with time
  • working with yarn – crocheting a stash of beach beanies to be donated to the Ronald McDonald house for their community; trying to figure out why the hell my knitting skills are crap and aren’t getting any better, and realizing that my yarn stash is pretty skeletal right now
  • math sucks. and 3rd grade math SUPER sucks … so, yeah. there’s that
  • loving short, SHORT hair
  • thinking i should get my wife to take me to the driving range again to see if smaller breasts really make golfing easier
  • needing to get healthier – and fitter – and more flexible

ALWAYS …

  • send up a little prayer of thanks because I was completely blessed with a son who makes me want to be a better person every day because I want to deserve being his mama
  • wake up next to my wife and remind myself that I had never expected to be loved so honestly and selflessly while being seen and accepted completely – flaws and beauty and complicated twists and all
  • coffee – and red wine – and whiskey – and chocolate  all things sweet
  • find my peace and breath on the beach. Waves and sand, people, will do a body and soul well
  • collecting and reading and sharing stories – because this life is too short to only experience it from within your own skin
  • Hawaii – I tried life elsewhere and I still have moments when I wonder if life would be easier, fuller, a bit more padded were we to live somewhere else. But then I see the clouds over the ko’olau as I walk Shortstack to school or we head out to meet our friends while wearing our fanciest slippers or we walk into someplace or go to an event and watch as our boy runs to another aunty/uncle and we greet each other with hugs and honi. and for so, SO, SOOO many other reasons … yeah, Hawaii it is
  • wanting this life of mine to matter … it doesn’t have to be in big and celebratory ways … I just want my time here to matter
  • believe that there’s a reason for things happening how and when they do. we all have the power to create our lives and choose our paths, but there’s a reason and a purpose and, if we’re smart – and aware – and conscious – we just may be lucky enough to have the space and capacity for a little more goodness in our lives
  • chunky peanut butter
  • letting the people i love know that they’re special and wanted in my life
  • tactless, a bit overprotective and prone to being a tad bit possessive
  • family time in our home which is never really tidy but always cozy
  • hoping that one of these days my writing will be published and my stories will reach out farther than the captive audience of my wife
  • putzing around in my kitchen, creating a meal for the family and stealing kisses from my love whenever i can corner one of them
  • wondering how i got so lucky

Happy 40th birthday to me … I can’t help but to wonder what this next year will bring …

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2 thoughts on “Still and always

    1. thank you, friend! oh! and you’re on my reading list for 2015 already! (“2015: my books” page) … looking forward the next one – ordered and waiting for it to arrive! =)

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